Stop the Abuse

ANOTHER STRANGLING: Yale Student Annie Le

Omigosh.  First Rihanna told the cops in February that Chris Brown strangled her until she lost consciousness, and when she came to he was gone !  It was only her screams that brought someone to her car for a call to 911.

Then this week Whitney Houston finally got honest with Oprah re the abuse she put up with from ex-husband Bobby Brown.  She said, "I tried to make myself smaller so he as the man could be bigger."  Oprah said, "You were trying to be the Good Wife."

And now the tragic ending to the story of the disappearance of the bride-to-be, Yale student Annie Le . . . strangled and stuffed into the wall of the very laboratory that she had worked in. 

Rihanna survived because Brown stopped before she was dead.  Whitney is surviving because she got out.

Annie Le hadn't read the two posts here on my blog -- STRANGLING: How to Prevent Your Death and STRANGLING: More Ways to Prevent Your Death.  (Find these posts in the column to the left.)

My first post says it takes a full SEVEN MINUTES TO DIE BY STRANGLING.  The problem is that we lose consciousness well before that time. 

If you're in a relationship where a man -- or a woman -- has laid their hands on your throat, know that THEY WILL DO IT AGAIN.  Read my two posts, memorize them and do what the second post says -- practice your defensive moves with a partner.  You won't have time to try to remember your moves the next time.

And rent the film 'Enough' with Jennifer Lopez starring as the abused wife. 

Start making your plans to get out.  Go to my web site -- www.boomeranglove.com -- and order the tips booklet titled "100 Ways to Leave an Abuser (Safely)".

Be aware that four women are murdered every day in this country, by their intimate partner.  25 percent of these killings are witnessed by their own children. 

SO -- the first two weeks after a person tells theire abuser they're leaving are the most dangerous.  The leaving must be planned carefully.  In fact, my booklet says not to tell your abuser you're leaving at all -- leave when they don't know you're leaving, when they're away from the home.

Have you experienced someone trying to strangle you?  How did you get away?  Are you getting help now?  Share with us.  We care.

STRANGLING: More Ways to Prevent Your Death

I previously posted advice on how to break a strangler's hold on your neck by quickly pushing very hard with your thumbs on the person's eyeballs.  The optical nerve is directly behind the eyeball.  Pressing hard and deep on the eyeballs will make the strangler pass out.

I recently received a comment from Jerry Lane, adding some great advice.  Rather than post his advice in the Comments section, I decided to print his comment here in a full post, to give it the attention it deserves. 

It's important to remember that if a person tries to strangle you once,  they 'will' do it again.  If you are temporarily unable to move away from this person, you 'must' be prepared for the next time. 

Jerry says:

     "I have a black belt in Judo and have been trained in the use of strangle holds.  From a self-defense perspective, it is very important to take effective action quickly. 

     "It may take many minutes to kill someone with a choke or strangle.  However, a properly applied strangle will cause someone to pass out within 8 to 10 seconds.  Once you are unconscious, it's irrelevant how long it will take to kill you.

     "Pressure on the eyeballs is an excellent self defense move, but some people are too squeamish to follow through with such a maneuver.

     "Depending on how the attacker is applying the choke, you may buy a little extra time by tucking your chin to your chest and shrugging your shoulders (turtle up) to relieve some of the pressure.

     "You must act immediately and effectively, since your attacker is most likely bigger and stronger.  Pounding on arms or chest with your fists will most likely not work.

     "Priority one is to relieve the pressure.  If it's a front, manual choke, try to grab the attacker's thumbs and pry them off. Pull out and down with all your strength.

     "If you cannot dislodge the thumbs, go for the little fingers.  Apply as much force against the joints as you can.  A properly applied pinky lock is very painful and can put a large man on his knees.

     "Find someone to practice these maneuvers with until it becomes automatic.  You won't have time to think if someone attacks you.

     "One the strangle is released, your next priority is escape.  Otherwise, the attack will probably resume.

     "Remember, this is all happening in the span of a few seconds.  Stomp on your attacker's instep (foot), or kick him hards in the shins or groin.

     "While you're doing all this, scream for help.  Make as much commotion as you can.

     "I can't cover all the bases in this kind of post.  Seek out a good self defense instructor and take lessons.  Practice, practice, practice."

                               * * * * * * * * * *

Thank you so much, Jerry.  This is such valuable information.  I know you have saved lives by taking the time to post your information here.

And readers, don't forget the Jennifer Lopez film "Enough".  She did exactly what Jerry is advising -- she found a good self defense instructor, got good training, and saved her own life by doing so.  If you haven't seen it, make that a priority.  'Nuff said.

    

RIHANNA AND CHRIS BROWN BATTERING

We've all read the story now -- the rented Lamborghini, the text message from Chris Brown's manager (supposedly asking to meet up with him later in the evening), Rihanna's anger and Brown's physically hitting and biting her, ultimately strangling her to the point of almost unconsciousness, and photos of Rihanna's beaten and bruised face leaked to the press, her black eye prominently shown.

And what about that Chris Brown mug shot, his later apology and possible felony criminal charges and jail?

Donald Trump told Rihanna that she'd "better get the hell out . . . ."   'Project Runway' winner Christian Siriano said, ". . . there has to be something that she did to provoke it." 

And Oprah said, "If he hit you once, he'll hit you again !!"

Wow.  The good part of all this is that the media hs been all over it, providing a good topic of discussion and learning lesson for everyone.

As I see it, the learning lesson is coming from what's happened between the two after the abusive event -- Rihanna almost immediately went back to Brown.

The most difficult aspect of domestic violence is the tendency of the victim to return to the abuser -- again and again.  We all wonder, "Why doesn't she/he leave?"

In my own experience with an emotionally abusive partner, I believed that if I just loved my partner enough, I could compensate for the damage done by his abusive childhood experiences.  I thought the hurtful behavior of my partner would melt away with my love.

I didn't know that my partner was suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder -- a thinking disorder that makes people misperceive the interactions they have with others, overreact and then act out all the rage they still have stored inside from their abusive childhoods. 

I didn't know that my love wasn't enough, that it would never cure a Borderline.

The core symptom of a Borderline is seen as frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, with inappropriate, intense anger and difficulty controlling it.   They seem jealous and very angry about it -- yet inside are really afraid of being abandoned, as they were as children.

(See my previous post in the left column -- Domestic Violence and Borderline Behavior Compared.)

These are our abused, neglected, abandoned children grown up.  Chris Brown revealed in earlier interviews that he grew up in an abusive, violent home.  My guess is that Brown was afraid he'd lose Rihanna, as she was upset over his manager's message.

Anger management classes don't help people with the level of intense fear translated into the rage shown by Brown.  Rihanna's love won't cure Brown.  These people need mental health professional help.

My book -- Breaking Free from Boomerang Love (www.boomeranglove.com) seems to help abuse victims distinctly see how disturbed their partner is -- and the reality of their situation.  This seems to enable them to more clearly understand the danger they're living in and to begin planning how to safely leave. 

(See my two previous posts in the left column of this blog -- 100 Ways to Leave an Abuser (Safely) and Most Dangerous Time to Leave:  1st Two Weeks)

What do you think about what happened between Rihanna and Chris Brown?  Give us your comments below.  Will Brown go to jail?  What should Rihanna be doing? 

100 WAYS TO LEAVE AN ABUSER (SAFELY)

After we've come out of our denial that we're being abused ("It's really not so bad.") -- when we're ready to walk away from family pressure ("You must keep the family together.") -- when religious beliefs no longer hold us hostage ("Marriage is a sacred vow.") -- when we overcome shame ("I don't want anyone to know.") . . . .

When we know that our very sanity and maybe our lives are being destroyed by living with an abuser . . . .

We make the decision -- we must leave.

But how do we get out safely?  I've just published a tips booklet, courtesy of the National Center for Victims of Crime, titled 100 Ways to Leave an Abuser (Safely).  You can check it out on my web site -- www.boomeranglove.com -- click on Tips Booklets.

There are many things to remember to take with you, people to contact, back-up plans to make, careful strategies to lay in place.  This little booklet has tips on how to plan your get-away, how to execute it and how to make your new home safe.

Remember that the first two weeks after we announce we're leaving -- or after we leave -- are the most highly emotional for the abuser.  Abuser behaviors are very similar to those of people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (see entry on this blog re Domestic Violence & Borderline Behavior Compared).

So our leaving must be carefully planned.  My new tips booklet will help you move through this process with a sense of confidence.

Are you in the process, or do you wish to leave an abuser?  Share your thoughts and experiences with us so we can all be better prepared.

100 WAYS TO SPOT AN ABUSER

People who abuse us don't usually show that behavior in the beginning of our relationship with them.  They're on their good behavior when we first meet them -- and on through the infatuation phase. 

It's when things begin to settle down (three to six months later), when our relationship is supposed to deepen into the cuddling/snuggling/trust phase, that the odd behavior begins to come out.

Over the course of his 30-year career, Dr. Kent Griffiths, a mental health therapist in Holladay, Utah, has compiled a list of 100 behaviors that describe what he calls a character disorder or personality disorder.

Dr. Griffiths believes that character disordered people show themselves as different from everyone else by their baseline behavior -- meaning they return to their deviant behavior over time (usually in 3 to 6 months).

Dr. Griffiths has allowed me to publish his list of abusive behaviors as a tips booklet titled 100 Ways to Spot an Abuser.  If interested, you can check out my web site -- www.boomeranglove.com -- and click on Tips Booklets for some sample behaviors.

Some examples:

     1.  Low stress tolerance with explosive behavior

     2.  Moody, switching from nice guy/gal to anger without much provocation

     3.  Uses threats and intimidation to keep others chained to them

     4.  Refuses to take resonsibility for their behavior.

Sound familiar?  Care to share some of the abusive behavior you've observed in your partner or others?  Use the comment form below to let us know what you've experienced.

MAY VOTED Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month

Hurray !!  Borderline Personality Disorder is finally getting some governmental attention. 

On April 1, 2008, the U. S. House of Representatives voted 414-0 to adopt H. Res. 1005, a resolution supporting the goals and ideals of Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

The resolution, introduced by Representative Thomas Davis (R-VA), expresses the sense of the House that May should be designated as Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

Representative Davis said, "Mental health professionals have recognized this disease since 1980, yet it continues to lag far behind other psychiatric disorders of similar prevalence in research, treatment options and family education.  Raising awareness of this disease is an important first step toward getting the recognition and research dollars that, hopefully, can help future victims and their families avoid the enormous suffering this disease causes now."

Of course, this is only one branch of our government, but it's a step in the right direction. 

It's time for Borderline Personality Disorder to come out of the closet.

What do you think about this governmental action?  Will it do any good?  What needs to be done next?

BEHAVIORS INDICATING Borderline Personality Disorder

Does your partner act like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?   On my web site, I have a section titled Red Flags (http://www.boomeranglove.com/asp/redflags-20.asp.  Here you can study over 80 behaviors that indicate the possible presence of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Dr. J. Kent Griffiths has spent over 30 years compiling his thoughts on what he considers to be a characer disorder/personality disorder.  He has graciously allowed me to reprint his behavior list on both my web site and in my book Breaking Free from Boomerang Love.

Dr. Griffiths states that a character disordered person is different from everyone else by their "baseline' behavior -- meaning that they return to the deviant behavior over time. 

All of us have bad days.  Dr. Griffiths says that problems occur only when the majority of behavior is present and repetitive over time.

Check out the above Red Flags section of my web site and then return here to comment below on your thoughts.

MOST DANGEROUS TIME TO LEAVE: 1st Two Weeks

The April 2, 2006, issue of the Louisiana Shreveport Times points up once more the danger of those first two weeks when we either leave our abusive relationship -- or simply 'announce' that we're leaving.

The above news piece reports that March 29, 2006, "a man fired four shots at his girlfriend, after she told him she wanted to end the relationship.  While the gunman missed his target, he sent a bullet crashing through a school bus window.  The shards of glass injured a child."

Be careful, my friends . . . be careful.

BORDERLINE SEX/PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION

SUCCESSFUL TREATMENT FOR BORDERLINES

Dr. Marsha Linehan of the University of Washington in Seattle created a program that has been effective in treating Borderline Personality Disorder -- Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  However, it's not an easy program for Borderlines to grasp and takes years to show positive results.

This month's American Journal of Psychiatry announced a new alternative psychotherapy treatment for Borderlines called mentalization based therapy (MBT).  This new Borderline treatment focuses on helping an individual separate out what thoughts and feelings are theirs, and what thoughts and feelings are others'.

Now there's a concept.  I used to tell my Borderline partner that he had screens over his ears.  I would say one thing and he would react as if I had said something else -- and he'd be angry at what he thought I'd said.  It was a no-win, crazy-making situation.

And trying to tell a Borderline that their perceptions aren't correct is like trying to tell a blind person that a lamp is on in the room.  The Borderline simply can't see it.  You said what you said -- or did what you did -- and the Borderline knows why you did it -- and you deserve the rage, you spawn of the devil.

The good news for Borderlines is that this MBT program actually is fairly successful, in much less time than DBT. 

The Borderline program is 18 months of mentalization based therapy, followed by 18 months of maintenance mentalizing group therapy, for a total of three years worth of treatment. 

Compared to how long it takes for DBT to take hold, this is good news.

Now if we can only convince our Borderlines that they need it . . . .

What do you think about this new treatment?  Think it would work?  Take a moment to comment below. 

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE & BORDERLINE BEHAVIOR COMPARED

Statistically, it's estimated that 30 to 60 percent of domestic violence abusers are suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder .  So why doesn't the domestic violence industry (administrators, organizations, shelters, counselors, legislators) tell DV victims about that?

I believe that if DV victims were informed and educated about the feelings driving the behavior of DV abusers, they could many times actually prevent the abuse from coming their way.  The new information, of course, wouldn't heal or restore the abuser to health -- but it would at least buy some time for the victims to safely plan their exit.

The absolute core feeling -- and desperate fear -- of a BPD is that of being abandoned.  Therefore, they seem jealous -- controlling -- hypersensitive.  Of course they blame us for their feelings and problems -- because if we didn't do what we do (get home late from work, spend time with a friend whose mother is dying, stay up late studying because we're trying to advance our career) -- they wouldn't feel abandoned !  Can you see the logic here?

I believe the rest of the DV abuser's behavior -- verbal abuse, rigid gender expectations and roles, dramatic personality swings, threats of violence, using force during an argument, etc. -- can be traced back to the desperation of a man (or woman) acting out the fear and rage of the abandoned child grown up.  He fears the childhood terrors of being abandoned again -- and by gosh, he's going to prevent it this time.  Now he's a grown-up and "nobody's going to do that to me again".

Below are the "Indicators of a Battering Personality", courtesy of Domestic Violence Solutions of Santa Barbara County, California.  Below also are the behaviors of a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, as described in the mental health profession's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV. 

You decide for yourself whether the behaviors aren't much the same.  You might also check out the over 80 Red Flag behaviors listed on my Boomerang Love web site that indicate the possibility of a Borderline disorder.

INDICATORS OF A BATTERING PERSONALITY

* Controlling behavior

* Jealousy

* Unrealistic expectations

* Hypersensitivity

* Quick involvement in the relationship

* Attempts to isolate you

* Tendency to blame others for problems or feelings

* Cruelty to animals or children

* Verbal abuse

* Rigid gender expectations and roles

* Dramatic personality swings

* Threats of violence

* Throwing, striking, or breaking objects

* Using force during an argument

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER -- DSM-IV

* Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

* A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

* Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

* Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

* Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

* Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

* Chronic feelings of emptiness

* Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

* Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe disassociative symptoms

Do you recognize any of these behaviors in your intimate partner, family member, friend or co-worker?  Be a part of the conversation about this issue.  Comment below to let us know your thoughts.

PROTECTION FROM ABUSE: Lifeline Calls the Cops

I'm again horrified to read of two murder-suicides this last week -- two domestic violence abusers, one killing his fiance and the other murdering his girlfriend, before killing themselves.  Kathy Acompanado was stabbed to death in Milwaukee, WI, and Tina Freeman died in Shelby, NC.  Tina's body and that of her boyfriend were found on a back road.  Cause of death has not yet been determined,

Both couples had previous incidents reported to law enforcement of domestic abuse.  As we all know, restraining orders are just a simple piece of paper.  Try to protect yourself from a bullet -- or a knife -- or hands around your neck -- with a piece of paper !

I won't go into why in the world these women didn't leave these abusive men earlier.  We all know why -- they thought if they just loved their abuser enough, they could compensate for the terrible childhoods these men had experienced -- and the abuse would miraculously disappear. 

I wrote about this in my book, Breaking Free from Boomerang Love (http://www.boomeranglove.com/asp/redflags-20.asp).

Today I want to talk about protection from the abuser. 

I've recently learned that there's a national company ( Phillips Lifeline -- 1-800-543-3546) that specializes in home alert systems.  The systems are used primarily by people in frail health and who live alone, to call for medical help.

But what about calling for law enforcement help?  It can be used for that also.  I'm informed that many people in remote areas use it. 

The equipment is basically a dialer that's installed on your phone.  When you push the button (around your neck or in your pocket), the 24-hour trained professionals come on your speaker phone and ask what you need. 

You only need to say, "Call the cops!" and they'll be on their way.

I have spoken with this company and they've sent me coupons to save up to $80.00 with free activation of the system. 

Contact me through the 'email me' link at the upper left of this blog, and I'll send you one.

What are your thoughts on this?  Do you think it would help you?  Or was there a time in the past when this would have helped you?  Or someone else?  Share your comments on the link below so others can learn to protect themsevles.

RELIGIOUS LEADERS LEARN: "Safety First" for Abuse Victims

Ever gone to a religious leader/counselor for help with your abusive relationship and been told to forgive, try harder to be a good spouse, reminded of your marriage vows of "til death do we part" -- wanting to scream that your relationship with your abuser was going to kill you first?

The Providence Journal in Rhode Island reported that the Interfaith Alliance Against Domestic Violence held a day-long worship on April 26 2007.  The Rev. Kristen Leslie, a minister, expert on domestic violence and professor at Yale Divinity School, spoke to a group of priests, ministers, rabbis, elders, nuns, deacons and Buddhist and Muslim women.

Rev. Leslie put it bluntly -- domestic violence "is hurting our people."   Abusers, she said, will do all they can to create a "closed system" where the victim is unable to critique the system because she or he has been cut off from outside influences.

So what can clergy do to reach out to the abused and battered people in their congregations?  Rev. Leslie said, "You can be the best theologian, spiritual sage, scholar of the Bible or Koran, but if you don't attend to the person's safety, you're not helping."

After safety, Rev. Leslie says the most serious misuse of spiritual concepts is the notion of forgiveness, which abusers will use to their own advantage.

In the Christian tradition, she noted that forgiveness is supposed to be preceded by some truth telling and confession by the perpetrator/penitent.  This means that before he/she can be forgiven, the perpetrator has to admit his wrong, take responsibility, make a permanent change in his/her life and make restitution.

(Whew.  That's a tall order for an abuser -- most of whom tell us that it's our fault they abused us !!  And then there's that Boomerang Love thing that goes on with partners of abusers -- going back in again, thinking that if we love them enough, they'll change.)

Joanne Friday, of the Buddhist Clear Heart Sangha, said she knew of a woman who had been abused who asked her Buddhist teacher how she could show more compassion to her abuser. 

The Buddhist teacher replied that her "first order was to have compassion for herself, and that she needed to leave."

Couldn't have said it better myself.  Come to think of it, I did -- in my book (www.boomeranglove.com) .

Have you experienced counseling from a spiritual leader which showed that person didn't understand the nature of abuse or the Borderline disorder?  If you had followed that advice, would it have made your situation worse or put you in danger?  Share your story with us in the Comments section below.  Learning from each other is what this blog is all about.

TEEN DATING VIOLENCE is as Serious as Adult Domestic Violence

I was astonished to read in the Princeton, Illinois, Bureau County Republican newspaper that one in five teens in a serious relationship report they have been hit, slapped or pushed by a partner.  Puppy love seems so cute, doesn't it?  Yet there it is again, the staggering statistics of one person hurting another, beginning at very young ages.

I believe many of these budding victimizers are showing early signs of Borderline Personality Disorder.  As a culture, we're color blind to the behaviors of Borderlines and thus excuse it.  Check out the Red Flags section of my web site -- http://www.boomeranglove.com/asp/redflags-20.asp -- for over 70 behaviors linked to a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. 

When we see the abusive behavior, most of us don't know how to recognize it for what it really is.  Nor do we know that there is now effective mental health treatment for people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

To read more about how to recognize the behaviors and warning signs of teens being abused, read the book titled but I love him -- Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships by Dr. Jill Murray.  Dr. Murray is a licensed psychotherapist who speaks to thousands of students and parents around the country each year on the topic of abusive teen relationships.  She has a private practice in Laguna Niguel, California.

Has your teenager been the victim of date violence?  How did you handle it?  Were you a victim of abuse as a teenager?  Click on the Comments link below to share your journey with us.  Let's start talking about this.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE vs Blind Acceptance of Abuse

One of my joys is relationship coaching people as they crawl their way out of their abusive relationship -- whether it be someone who's been physically abused or just emotionally abused (as if one was only Abuse Lite).  All of my clients are in various stages of getting out and healing -- from the raw, road kill phase to the empowered "No one's going to walk on me again !" stage.

The theme of my book, Breaking Free from Boomerang Love -- Getting Unhooked from Abusive Borderline Relationships (check it out at www.boomeranglove.com) is our tendency as partners to leave the painful, abusive relationship -- only to turn right back around and go back to it again.  Why do we do that?  What is it in our past that draws us back in?

I'm thinking of a client I spoke with on the phone this week, someone becoming stronger every day in her feelings of empowerment, putting the pieces of her life back together again, and digging around in her gut as to how and why she got into -- and remained -- in such an abusive relationship for so long. 

She spoke of how strongly she had believed that if she could just love her partner enough, she could make up for the troubled childhood he'd had.  She thought that somehow her love would heal the holes in his spirit and his rages would disappear -- he would remain the man she'd fallen in love with all the time, not turn into someone she wondered if she'd eventually have to get a restraining order on.

She's proud of her ability to not return other people's anger with her own anger, has always been the kind of person who would give you the shirt off her back, and endlessly forgiving.  But this week she seems to have turned the corner in deciding what kind of person she's willing to allow into her life.

She said it perfectly -- "Unconditional love doesn't mean blind acceptance of abuse."  Couldn't have said it better myself.

What do you think about this issue?  Have you done the same thing?  Click on the Commentary link below to share your thoughts on this.  I'd love to hear from you, as I'm sure the other visitors to my blog would also.

COURT: Previous Physical Abuse Will Be Revealed

Hello, faithful readers.  I'm back, after a much-needed break.  Being a book author and a public speaker and a relationship coach -- not to mention taking care of my long term care insurance clients (see my website for bio details -- www.boomeranglove.com) -- plus the holidays, just sent me into my cave for a while.

But I'm back, and cheering for Woodstock, Illinois, in the Chicago area.  A judge there has ruled that allegations of domestic violence throughout a more than 40-year marriage will be admissible at a trial for a man accused of attempting to kill his wife in 2004.

It's about time.  Nichole Owens, criminal chief for the state's Atorney's Office, stated that, "Just because no one witnessed the attacks shouldn't erode the statement's legitimacy.  That is how the defendant operated.  He attacked the victim while no one was there."

What do you think about this ruling?  Should the previous violent attacks be told to the jury?  Click on the 'Comments' link below to share your thoughts.

ONLINE SANCTUARY FOR THE ABUSED

Put this site in your Favorites on your computer -- www.abusesanctuary.blogspot.com -- you'll love it.

The author of this wonderful blog has compiled the most incredible array of information, compassion, education and support for people caught in the web of a relationship with a disordered person.  From Borderline to narcissist, from sociopath to batterer -- it's all here and more.  The list of pages to click on goes on absolutely forever.

And did I mention the gut-wrenching first-person stories?

Make yourself a cup of tea, pull up a chair and immerse yourself.

SIGNS YOUR ABUSER MAY KILL YOU

Television station W T R F (covering the areas of Wheeling, West Virginia, and Steubenville, Ohio), reported on May 23, 2006,  that there are definite signs that an abuser -- whether past behavior has been just emotional abuse or actual physical abuse -- has moved to the stage where the abusive relationship may become lethal (Webster's dictionary:  "causing death").

Quoted from the West Virginia Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

The common signs of a batterer are: overly jealous, tries to isolate their victim, uses verbal put downs and controls the money.

More importantly, signs which indicate that one day the abuse may turn into homicide are:

          Your abuser attempting to strangle you  (They might be successful next time.)

          Waiving or threatening with weapons  (The next step is to actually use the weapon.)

          Talking about killing you or about killing themselves (They may really do it.)

          Showing signs of depression (Many people, men especially, act out their feelings.  Hopelessness can push a person over the edge to do something they wouldn't normally do.)

          Ownership of you, along with anxiety or violence about separating from you.  (The old "If I can't have you, no one can have you.")

As has been mentioned on this blog before, the first two weeks after the separation from an abuser is the most dangerous time for the victim and her/his children. 

If you're scared and in trouble with an abuser, call the National Domestic Violence hotline -- 1 - 800 - 799 - S A F E (7233).  Quoted on their web site today (www.ndvh.org) is the statistic that 10 Murder-Suicides Occur Each Week in America.

Be careful, friends.  Statistics show that 25 per cent of the domestic violence murders of women are witnessed by their children.

HIGH FIVES: Police Donate Computers to Aid DV Victims

The April 19, 2006, issue of the Richmond Times-Dispatch in Richmond, Virginia, reports that the Police Department has donated three new Dell computers to the YMCA for use in its safe houses for victims of domestic abuse.  The purpose is to allow abuse victims to have direct online access to the I Can system of the Virginia courts web site.  This system explains court procedures and helps victims file for protective orders.

The computer donation program was organized by Police Chief Rodney Monroe, whose sister was killed in a domestic abuse crime in Maryland in 2002.

The article also reports that the Richmond police commemorated Victims Rights Awareness Week in 2005 by donating more than 1,200 used cell phones to be recycled by Verizon for emergency use by domestic abuse victims. 

The cell phone donation program was organized by detective Carol Adams, whose mother was killed in a domestic abuse crime in 1980.

More great ideas to help domestic abuse victims take control of their lives.

HOW TO GET A DIVORCE WHEN YOU'RE BROKE

One of the biggest hurdles for people freeing themselves from abusive relationships is lack of money -- cash for first and last month's apartment deposit, our car . . . sometimes our very food.

What happens, then, when we have no money to get the divorce which will 'legally' set us free?

Jody Williams (exploreadvertising@yahoo.com) recently posted her story to the Land of Oz online support group for partners of borderlines.  (See previous post -- SUPPORT: Land of Oz Online Support Group)

I was so impressed -- and stunned -- by her story of guts, courage and cleverness in getting her divorces with no money that I asked for her permission to share it with you here on my blog.

Below is her post, which I've named 'How to Get a Divorce When You're Broke'.  In Jody's reply to me, giving me permission to post her advice here, she added the following: 

          "There were other sources that I didn't add in my original post.  Most bookstores do have 'file your own divorce' handbooks.  Also, most law libraries have little booklets you can buy on how to do your own divorce with the papers also.

          "It's very liberating to know that if you can prove you're broke, you're not stuck because you can't come up with the filing fees.  I've heard many people feeling trapped when they can't come up with the filing fees for these things because they don't know you can get it done for free. 

          "I've also found that even when I do everything wrong -- that the judge's clerk will usually chuck the papers back at me and tell me what I need to fix and then refile.  I didn't mind.  I just kept going back to court until the judge told me it was right."

          Jody's message to everyone struggling to get a divorce:  You can do it !!

HOW TO GET A DIVORCE WHEN YOU'RE BROKE

                       by Jody Williams

My ex got me fired from my job, evicted from my apartment, and stole my car when I threw him out.  Affording a lawyer was out of the question for me.  If I hadn't been a paralegal, I NEVER would have been able to get myself through the legal maze I had to go through.

I found out that even most lawyers don't know or don't take the time to enforce garnishment of wages, tax returns, and paychecks and bank accounts for judgments, even though it's usually a simple matter of filling out forms.

Fees were a hard one for me.  I learned that because I had to file for welfare (to feed myself and our baby to get away from him), I could get all the fees waived.  I got the court fees for the filing of the divorce petition and the service from the marshal waived by showing them proof that I was on welfare. 

Everyone in the United States is enitled to legal help, even if they can't afford it.  Court fees and service fees of legal papers to the opposing party can be waived in any state if you can prove you're poor. 

You don't have to be on welfare.  You can show them a bank statement,  an income statement or some notarized statement that you're broke.  They have a separate form you fill out to have a judge approve the waiving of your court fees.

Lawyer's fees can't be waived -- only court fees.  Even xeroxing fees for your papers can be waived once you have the form signed by a judge. 

You don't even have to go to the hearing.  You just mail in the appropriate forms to the court, the judge stamps it, and then you can show it to get all fees waived.

As for hidden bank accounts you don't know about, you can go to places like www.freecreditreport.com and order a credit report for free (since you know his information).  Usually that site will show you any open accounts.  It may not show all of them, but a lot of them will show up.  You'd be surprised what you can find out about someone from a credit report.  They pop it up online, and you can print it out right there -- free.

If you don't know where they are working, usually even their job will show up on the credit report.  From that information, you'll know where to go to garnish wages.

If they're expecting an income tax return, you can let the IRS know that you want to garnish that for payment of a judgment order from the court.

To find hidden bank accounts not showing up on the credit report (or that they might have joint with someone else as the main acccount holder), you can call any of the banks you think this person might have an account with.  You probably know the full name, social security number and birthdate of this person.  With that information, you can call that bank and 'pretend' to be them and having lost your account number.  They ask for birthdate and social security number -- and then will give you the account number.

To get contempt of an order of the court, the lawyers usually have to file for a hearing to have that done.  Most lawyers don't like to do this -- and then there's the problem of having no money to pay their fee.  There are forms you can fill out to represent yourself and ask for this kind of hearing.

If you can't afford a lawyer, you can represent yourself.  In every state I've lived in, this means you write in your name on the forms, then the words 'in pro per'.  This means you're representing yourself.  You also write in your contact information instead of a lawyer's contact information.

VERY IMPORTANT:  YOU ARE ALLOWED TO USE A POST OFFICE BOX IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GIVE OUT YOUR HOME ADDRESS.

Every place I've lived in besides Las Vegas has forms you can fill out in pen for just about everything you need done.  They also usually have some kind of family law help center where you can get free forms and advice.  If you can't find one near you in the phone book (because they all have different names), you can call up your nearest law library and ask them where to find it.  They'll know where it is.

As for ganishing wages or bank accounts or whatever, there are forms to get a judge to order that garnishment once you have a judgment.  You have to file to get a garnishment order from the judge.  Then a marshal or sheriff (whoever it is in your state that the courts use to serve their papers) will go to the employer or bank and attach the money -- or take it and freeze it -- or whatever is appropriate.

Almost all towns have a law library.  You can ask the librarian for a book of court forms.  They have copies of all of the forms available that you can just fill out yourself.  All libraries and law libraries have books that are called Rules of Court -- for your local courthouse.  Those will tell you what papers are needed, how to file them, where and what the fees are, etc.

You can also look up a lot about statutes and laws in your town online.  Some courthouses even have forms you can just download online.  Not all courts, and not all the forms, are available online though.  So visiting a law library or even the main or local library (if your town is too small), can help you.  All libraries either have court or legal books -- or they can refer you to the library that does.

I have sued people, defended myself, collected judgments, done two divorces and gotten child support orders.  All kinds of stuff I've done myself for free -- using the Internet, the law libraries and the family law centers when I needed help.  And almost all of my suits and service fees I've gotten waived because I was broke.

You can also try Prepaid Legal.  For $35.00 for a month of service, you can get lawyers to give you advice, review papers and even give you appropriate court forms and tell you where and how to file them.  I've used them successfully on simple matters, when I've needed the intimidation of a lawyer to call or write a letter, help me with legal research or to get certain forms.  They are cheaper than a lawyer in their own private practice.

But be warned -- Prepaid Legal attorneys are usually first-year lawyers and not the sharpest tool in the shed.  Sometimes I knew more than these lawyers with their service.  But when I've needed a lawyer to call someone and be intimidating -- or help getting certain forms -- it was a $35.00 well spent.

Prepaid Legal is a month-to-month service.  If you need another month, you can get help for approximately only $16.00, because then you've already paid your registration fee.

Also, all court files are public record.  Sometimes I haven't known how to do legal papers in a certain town, can't find a lawyer who would help me, and couldn't get help from the library.  This happened when I lived in a very, very small town of like 800 people. 

So I went to the local courthouse and asked to see all of the files on a certain type of law.  They hassled me, but I reminded them that as public records, I had the right to see these files.

By reviewing the files, I was able to see how the local lawyers handled evicting bad tenants.  I had a tenant I couldn't get out of the rental house I owned in this small town.  No lawyer or judge would help me, because they were relatives of half the town.  After looking at the files, I filed the same papers myself to get them evicted.

I went through stuff I needed help on myself like when my ex came and stole my car after I'd gotten a restraining order on him.  He obviously violated the order by coming to get my car.  The police wouldn't file a stolen car report because we were still married.

I went to the judge, and he gave me a contempt order of the restraining order.  But then the police wouldn't go arrest him.  They said that they were not going to run around and chase him -- and that they couldn't force him to come to court.  They said unless I had him right there -- holding him -- and then called them -- only then would they arrest him on violation of the restraining order.

So I called him and asked him to meet me somewhere for lunch.  At the time of the lunch, I went across the street to see that he was there.  I then called the police and said I was holding him there and that I wanted them to come arrest him on the contempt charge.

I don't like orders for payments.  When I was dealing with my ex's who were Borderline, they loved me to be chasing them around each month for payments or trying to find where they hid the money. 

My father forged fake money orders and showed them to the judge when my mom filed for contempt for not paying child support.  Even my mom's own lawyer believed it -- until we found out we could go to the money order company with the numbers on the orders he had produced.  We got a letter from the company stating that they had been cashed back in by him, so we didn't get the money

Most people don't believe what our ex's can do -- let alone sometimes even the lawyers (unless they've been around a long time).  Then in those cases, we usually can't afford those lawyers, anyway.

I've learned that with the legal system, unless you can afford the best lawyers, you have to be hard-working, do a lot of research and be creative.

                    Author:  Jody Williams (exploreadvertising@yahoo.com)

POSTED MAY 16, 2006:  I was reminded by a friend recently that the Internet has empowered many people to represent themselves in ways not available in the past .

People searching for information on forms, filing fees, etc., should search/Google for the web site of their county, then click on court system. 

When I performed that search for my county,  I was amazed to see how much information is available there.  Our taxes at work. 

                    Lynn